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Shoot for the Stars

Psychology is the art of translating our interpretation of the language of the soul. Learning to what extent we are capable of controlling it. Figuring out why you look at things the way that you do. It’s essential knowledge to understand the way in which you interpret your emotions. During the last couple of weeks, I’ve come a long way into figuring out mine.

I‘m a Melancholic Optimist. I want life to be so special and despise people who settle for what I feel to be mediocrity. People that don’t see or live life to its full potential. I reprimand them for it. The gathered masses of modern society represent an isolation from bigger things, a measure of the ordinary by which I tend to feel entrapped. Cut off from the ideal and distant. This aversion from simplicity leads to an insisting desire of individuality, expressing itself by means of creativity. I want a miracle to happen and almost insist on its beauty. I like to believe I’ve lived to witness several. I demand on a certain depth of value in everything that my life consists of; fascinated by the impossibility of perfection and repelling things that come too easy. I’m confident and proud of the level of awareness in which I live my life and thrive upon finding the people in millions with whom I share this understanding. I feel the pain that comes with living to be just as special as its delight and always need the corresponding emotions to be understood. Both by myself and by the people I love. I’m a Four.

This individualism reflects itself in everything; my work, my music, my appearance, my need to travel and even my lovelife. Of course, living life with demands as high as mine always comes with the risk of disappointment. And I often have been. Nonetheless, I’ve grown to believe in the result of persistence. I refuse to settle for shooting at what I know I can hit.

Shoot for the moon
and you might come even further than what you thought you were capable of.

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Accepting to give up on what could have been…

For the only thing worse than missing something you desire,
 
is knowing that you could’ve had it.
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Admitting and Submitting

Today, I hate everything. I hate everyone. I hate everyone that’s in a relationship. And the longer ‘t that relationship would have successfully lasted so far, the more I utterly, outright hate you all.
 
I‘m absolutely positive that those despondent, maybe slightly pessimistic thoughts would sound familiar to pretty much anyone reading this. It should also be more than enough to express the way that I’m feeling right now, and probably even enough to explain the reason why. At least I hope it is, because I’m not going to write about it anymore. I’m not, because it’s the exact same damn thing that has happened the last dozen times. I’m not, because there isn’t a single thought or emotion in my mind that hasn’t been there before. I’m not, because I’m done feeling sorry for myself. I’m not, because I’m done. I’m done with all of it.
 
Or at least I would be, if I could be ;) However, when you look past the gloomy wastelands of depression, it won’t take you very long to regain your perspective. Because you see… Fine, I’ll admit it:
I‘m addicted. To passion.
And of all the different ways I’ve found to satisfy this addiction, none of these quite resimble the effect of romance. Although some of them come quite close. Even what I’m feeling what right now… although not the good kind, this too, is passion that you’re feeling. And I’m FAR from giving up on it. I don’t care how long it’ll take, how many times I’ll be thrown to the ground – I KNOW what I want! The day I give up on this desire, is the day you may bury me. Whether I’m alive or not.
 
Thankfully, romance is merely a part of this desire. Although it’s up on top there somewhere, we’ve all got our own different ways to satisfy our addictions. As long as we don’t let these addictions get the best of us, and maintain the balance between them – be it romance, drugs, travel, work, music or what ever else gets/keeps you going. I like to think I’ve found a proper balance… :)
 
The thing that’s making the romance-part of this all so difficult for me, I think, is the fact that I refuse to change myself. Of course I learn from my mistakes, and I evolve along the way, but I refuse to change myself to this ridiculous "code of conduct" we’ve developed. Because chemistry, as most of us would’ve figured out by now, is not enough for us. If only it were that easy. You shouldn’t become too much of a friend first, shouldn’t expose yourself too much, shouldn’t be too sticky but not too distant either, should do this, shouldn’t do that, it’s-.. It’s preposterous! Women want to be conquered, men want to hunt. That’s the way it is.
 Well I refuse to "hunt", and I won’t even start actively looking for it. In order for it to feel genuine, I want to stumble upon it. I’m proud of who I am, and want to remain that very person. The hypocrisy to change yourself for-… If you’d let that change yourself, then you’ve lost control of that particular addiction. Lost your balance. I will not compromise my disposition for the inconsitencies of the human (in my case: "female") mind!
 
Whew, what a relief…
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Chronology

It has never ceased to amaze me how a single moment can be interpreted in so many different ways. Of course, anyone interprets their surroundings in their own characteristic way, but even a single person! How a single person’s experience of a certain moment or memory can differ so much, merely depending on his phychological state, is… We’ve been trying for centuries to find some sort of pattern in the dynamics of the human mind, hoping to find some way to get the slightest sense of control over it, but it seems like we’re just too damn inconsistent to predict.

This weekend has been a very clarifying one for me. It might have something to do with all the writing I’ve been doing but, with this new chapter in my life ahead of me, it’s been very gratifying to look back at life. Actively accepting past memories as a part of who I have become, has brought up a whole bunch of answers I didn’t even know I had the questions to.
 I’m not sure where this all came from all of a sudden, but as you might’ve noticed from these last two updates… Well, you’ve always heard me talking about how fast time is going? It seems the past has finally caught up with me this weekend, I think it’s because of some people coming across my path – some new, some I hadn’t seen or spoken to in 15 years. It has actually been quite a pleasant surprise being confronted with the past like that! Sure, it’s not all good memories that have been popping back up, but all in all… All in all I’m so very proud to be able to say that I’m satisfied with the way everything has gone. And where it has brought me now. And even where it seems to be going. It feels like I’ve gotten back in touch with the past, where I used to be too caught up with the present.

Now, I know I already wrote this before, but it came out so good that I’ll say it again:
"These memories are not just "a series of events that took place once"; no, you remember the way you interpreted those moments at the time that they actually occurred."
 But that’s not all! It goes even further than that! Looking back at growing up, you can even remember your whole outlook, your whole impression of what-once-was "your world". And how different it is from the way you look at it now. It’s fantastic to take a close look at your own development throughout the years like that.

So, as I’ve been looking back like that, it has not only affected my awareness of the past. When you’re comparing all these past interpretations of "your world", eventually you’re bound to realize… That you’ll probably be remembering this very moment, a day, week or month later! You start looking at the present, the way you would look at it in the future! You develop a whole new level of awareness!

So then why does our interpretation of a certain moment, often differ from the way that we actually remember it? I mean… For example, do you remember your first kiss? Trust me when I tell you that your recollection of that moment, is NOT entirely accurate to your experience of that event at the time that it actually occurred. Not as much as you’d think.
 We interpret an event based on our first assumptions. We remember them in an entirely different manner. It first has to pass through our head, where it’s processed, before being given a certain place in our memory. Some events don’t even make it through the process! I’m sure that some of you that are reading this will know exactly what I’m talking about, when I say that we’re more likely to "forget" certain memories that we’d rather not remember. Your head always tampers with the initial interpretation of any given event, before remembering it. We all romanticize our memories a lot more than we’d often like to admit. For example, I don’t think I enjoyed my first bikeride as much as I do remembering it. And even that first kiss would probably not have been as intense as we’d like to remember. Convenient, maybe, but it works both ways; a lot of people often stumble upon bad memories they had been ‘refusing’ like this for years… It’s a dangerous tool.
 …Here’s question for ya: does this mean that we don’t enjoy the present as much as we should, or do we just blow things out of proportion when we get the chance to?

Either way, I’ve come to realize the importance to always be aware of how you’re gonna be looking at the present in the future, the way you’re looking at the past in the present.

Live the present, in both the future and the past.

Posted in Life | 2 Comments

Look Both Ways

Good morning everyone (:

Man, that update I wrote yesterday really got my writing-spirit back up..! Regular readers might already have noticed that I haven’t been writing at all lately, but I must say that it really felt great to get back into it like that yesterday. Writing that particular update felt very different than I remembered, actually. Maybe it’s the different writing-style, I don’t know. I don’t remember ever writing in that particular state of mind before, it was an amazing evening for me.

And I must admit that I really missed that feeling you get, the morning after spending an evening writing about things. It feels very similar to the feeling you get when you just had a really good conversation with someone. One of those really rare conversations, in which you barely even think about what you’re saying and the words just seem to come straight from the origin of who you are. I’ve come to believe that those are the only moments that we’re ever really ourselves. Normally you’re always thinking about what would be the most appropriate thing to do, say or be. Why do we always keep adjusting ourselves like that? Why is there always something or someone we feel we have to live up to?

I’m sorry, I’ve only just found out what state of mind I’m in right now. This is going to be a long update… But I’m sure you’d be used to that by now, aye? ;)

Right! First off, let me start by explaining what I meant with the title of that last update. Because, like I said; "And not just this particular period of time in my life, but also the different memories that made me into who I am today". I spent that update explaining the memories – now let me spend this one explaining just what’s so damn special about "this particular period of time".

Yeah, I guess that – with my absence from writing lately – I’ve got some explaining to do, about my current situation. Because to be honest, no ‘really big things’ have happened to make my situation all that different from what it was a few months ago, when I wrote my (second-)last update. The only thing that HAS really changed, is the way I look at it. And with that, the way I feel about it. It might have something to do with my grandfather not being there anymore when I returned home from New Zealand, I’m not sure, but "home" just hasn’t been the same for me ever since I got back.
 I was expecting to come back home, finish up my education in July, get that diploma, move out and move on with my life. Unfortunately, things worked out a little different…

Acquiring my diploma turned out to be a lot more of a hassle than I initially thought. The details aren’t even relevant enough to get into, but to summarise a long, bullshit story, I was not allowed to take part in the exams last July. With these exams only taking place twice every year, this now means that I won’t get another chance to do so until January.
 It’s been a great disappointment for me, to not live up to my own expectations like that. One that I was too proud to share with anyone, to be perfectly honest with you… I guess it’s good that I’m finally admitting this here. It’s quite a relief :)

"But wait a second, I thought you said you were so happy with ‘this period of time in your life’?"
And I am! I honestly am. The extra time gave me a lot more time to determine exactly just what direction I wanted to go, and make all the needed preparations. And I’m pretty sure that every one of you that really knows me, will know that I’ve always liked to take my time with… Well, with pretty much everything, really! :P I’ve really come to acknowledge this particular trait of mine lately, and I know that not everyone appreciates this quality about me. Especially Renske, but that would be a different story ;) It’s a part of who I am. I couldn’t change it if I wanted to, and I wouldn’t change it if I could!

So what direction do I want my life to go?! That’s a very good question Adrian, and I’d be happy to answer it for you. But before we get into that, I think it’s important to realize the importance of realizing that it’s important (:P) not to focus on the future too much. It shouldn’t always be about where you’re going – from time to time a person just needs to stand still and appreciate where he’s standing right there and then. Because what’s more important? Reaching your ideals, or the way you got there?

So where am I now, then? I’m glad you ask. I’m not just finding out where I want to be going, but also learning the importance of appreciating just working on getting there. And that’s what you’re doing right now; actively working on your future. Determined, but not solely fixed upon your goal. Enjoying all that you’ve previously experienced – not just accomplished: experienced – you’re enjoying the experiences you’re doing up, while working on accomplishing even more! I’m working on working a job that I’ll enjoy doing, so that I’ll eventually be able to see even more of the world. Maybe even to support a family one day. I’m working a working a job, in a lovely town where I feel comfortable living with a social life that took years to bring about. I’m in love again. I’m going to concerts, witnessing all the artists perform the music that helps making the atmoshere in my life into what it is. I just lived on the other side of our planet for half a year! What more could a person want?!

More. That’s what. We always do. Which is okay, as long as you never forget to really appreciate what has been. And besides; what would life be, if we stopped wanting?

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I’m loving this part of my life…

And not just this particular period of time in my life, but also the different memories that made me into who I am today. I seem to be stuck in the past today, remembering all sorts of memories from years ago. These memories are not just "a series of events that took place once"; no, you remember the way you interpreted those moments at the time that they actually occurred. You remember what a great impression your first day at school was when you took your first steps into that classroom. You remember the rush when you took your first successful bike ride on that little red bicycle. You remember how bad you wanted to fit in with the kids from your neighborhood, as you were exchanging marbles together. Your first big family-Christmas when you went to live with your grandparents in Bilthoven for a while. It’s amazing how you can almost re-experience those moments, when you’re just in the right mood. I can still hear those little sparrows’ tchirping-noises echo their way through the alleyway next to our house in Utrecht. It seems so far way, but sometimes… When the mood strikes, you’ll be right back there, falling off that goat when you tried to ride it in the backyard when your mom told you not to. How I miss those days sometimes.

Today I’ve been reliving many of my memories back in Scherpenzeel, where I spent most of my youth (or at least the conscious part of it). All of a sudden we lived in this giant house, way on the edge of this really small town. And I had to cycle over 6 whole kilometers(!) to get to this school every day, where they had all these other kids. Some of them with a really weird accent. 1 of them was the little girl that lived next to us; Steefka. Every morning at school we would sit in a circle and talk about what we did that week. And after that, the teacher would read us a story of this little gnome called "Pinkeltje", before we’d get to go play with the biggest toy collection any kid could ever have at home. If you were lucky, you could even get to play with the wooden train!

In this particular week, my older sister Adrianne was going to be coming by. We only ever got to see our sisters a few times ever year, so this was always quite an occasion! It had been a long time since we’d last seen her, but it was fantastic to be back together. After a while, my mother and this new friend of her’s, "Gelu", were going to head out for a while, leaving the whooole house, all for ourselves! So we went to explore the house together and decided to crawl through the ceiling of the house. Once we got up there, we found out it was completely padded with glass wool and — Aahhh, you wouldn’t believe the itching… Mom even left us some bananas we could have, for when we got hungry. We helped ourselves to those after recovering from our "ceiling-adventure" and as we were working them down, Adrianne told us what a great idea it would be to throw those banana-peels way up to the ceiling. She said if you did it RIGHT, they would even stick up there! In the worst fit of giggles I ever had, we kept throwing the yellow fruit-remnants those 3 meters into the air until we had 3 of them stuck up there. The whole ceiling was covered in banana marks and we were having the best time ever..!!

Yeah, it’s so hard to believe that-… That that world, was already so many years ago. 15 Years, now. And that they will never "be" again… Time is racing by in front of us, and I’m just barely catching up. But I like to think that I managed to get a grip on it now, and take it in the direction I want to.. :) 

And I know exactly where that will be.

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