Good morning everyone (:
Man, that update I wrote yesterday really got my writing-spirit back up..! Regular readers might already have noticed that I haven’t been writing at all lately, but I must say that it really felt great to get back into it like that yesterday. Writing that particular update felt very different than I remembered, actually. Maybe it’s the different writing-style, I don’t know. I don’t remember ever writing in that particular state of mind before, it was an amazing evening for me.
And I must admit that I really missed that feeling you get, the morning after spending an evening writing about things. It feels very similar to the feeling you get when you just had a really good conversation with someone. One of those really rare conversations, in which you barely even think about what you’re saying and the words just seem to come straight from the origin of who you are. I’ve come to believe that those are the only moments that we’re ever really ourselves. Normally you’re always thinking about what would be the most appropriate thing to do, say or be. Why do we always keep adjusting ourselves like that? Why is there always something or someone we feel we have to live up to?
I’m sorry, I’ve only just found out what state of mind I’m in right now. This is going to be a long update… But I’m sure you’d be used to that by now, aye? ;)
Right! First off, let me start by explaining what I meant with the title of that last update. Because, like I said; "And not just this particular period of time in my life, but also the different memories that made me into who I am today". I spent that update explaining the memories – now let me spend this one explaining just what’s so damn special about "this particular period of time".
Yeah, I guess that – with my absence from writing lately – I’ve got some explaining to do, about my current situation. Because to be honest, no ‘really big things’ have happened to make my situation all that different from what it was a few months ago, when I wrote my (second-)last update. The only thing that HAS really changed, is the way I look at it. And with that, the way I feel about it. It might have something to do with my grandfather not being there anymore when I returned home from New Zealand, I’m not sure, but "home" just hasn’t been the same for me ever since I got back.
I was expecting to come back home, finish up my education in July, get that diploma, move out and move on with my life. Unfortunately, things worked out a little different…
Acquiring my diploma turned out to be a lot more of a hassle than I initially thought. The details aren’t even relevant enough to get into, but to summarise a long, bullshit story, I was not allowed to take part in the exams last July. With these exams only taking place twice every year, this now means that I won’t get another chance to do so until January.
It’s been a great disappointment for me, to not live up to my own expectations like that. One that I was too proud to share with anyone, to be perfectly honest with you… I guess it’s good that I’m finally admitting this here. It’s quite a relief :)
"But wait a second, I thought you said you were so happy with ‘this period of time in your life’?"
And I am! I honestly am. The extra time gave me a lot more time to determine exactly just what direction I wanted to go, and make all the needed preparations. And I’m pretty sure that every one of you that really knows me, will know that I’ve always liked to take my time with… Well, with pretty much everything, really! :P I’ve really come to acknowledge this particular trait of mine lately, and I know that not everyone appreciates this quality about me. Especially Renske, but that would be a different story ;) It’s a part of who I am. I couldn’t change it if I wanted to, and I wouldn’t change it if I could!
So what direction do I want my life to go?! That’s a very good question Adrian, and I’d be happy to answer it for you. But before we get into that, I think it’s important to realize the importance of realizing that it’s important (:P) not to focus on the future too much. It shouldn’t always be about where you’re going – from time to time a person just needs to stand still and appreciate where he’s standing right there and then. Because what’s more important? Reaching your ideals, or the way you got there?
So where am I now, then? I’m glad you ask. I’m not just finding out where I want to be going, but also learning the importance of appreciating just working on getting there. And that’s what you’re doing right now; actively working on your future. Determined, but not solely fixed upon your goal. Enjoying all that you’ve previously experienced – not just accomplished: experienced – you’re enjoying the experiences you’re doing up, while working on accomplishing even more! I’m working on working a job that I’ll enjoy doing, so that I’ll eventually be able to see even more of the world. Maybe even to support a family one day. I’m working a working a job, in a lovely town where I feel comfortable living with a social life that took years to bring about. I’m in love again. I’m going to concerts, witnessing all the artists perform the music that helps making the atmoshere in my life into what it is. I just lived on the other side of our planet for half a year! What more could a person want?!
More. That’s what. We always do. Which is okay, as long as you never forget to really appreciate what has been. And besides; what would life be, if we stopped wanting?